“The Logistics of Death: What to Do When Someone Dies”

Michael Krasny, host of Forum, a radio program on KQED, focused on the logistics of death in a 52-minute long program on Monday, 10-14-13.  One guest was attorney Scott Taylor Smith, author of the new book “When Someone Dies: The Practical Guide to the Logistics of Death.”

Scott Taylor Smith said that as soon as his mother died, the questions began, despite his grief.  First, what mortuary did he intend to use?  Second, the mortuary wanted to know how many death certificates he wanted.  (His suggested answer is take the number of credit cards someone has and multiply by two.  That’s how many death certificates you may need.)

He suggests that you write the obituary and plan the memorial before the person dies.  For his mother, the family wanted to have a celebratory event.  This meant that they waited 6 months after her death before having the celebration.

Scott Taylor Smith talks about conflict in his family over the use of morphine for his mother.

Another guest was Jim Mitchell, an estate lawyer with Coblentz, Patch, Duffy & Bass in San Francisco.  He talked about probate and revocable trusts.  He was asked the downside of setting up a trust; his reply – “attorney’s fees.”  He discussed “permanent” estate tax legislation.

Jim Mitchell talked about two powers of attorney documents:  medical and financial.  He recommends consulting with an attorney on these documents but noted that they are available online.

A couple of the callers mentioned the POLST form.  This form must be signed by someone’s MD.  See capolst.org.

You can find an audio recording here:

www.kqed.org/a/forum/R201310141000

I looked over the comments, gleaning one resource and one suggestion:

* everplans.com:  “articles, tips, and checklists to help people with everything from who to call first to how to choose a casket to what the various religious traditions are”

* “Death Certificates are expensive, as well as awkward to obtain. Good News: you can actually request that the various agencies, institutions, et cetera which require presentation of theses documents RETURN them to you (include a SASE with a note. Almost all of them will do so. The really only need to see (and then copy) same. The only exceptions for me were real estate-related (mortgage-holders). Even Social Security returned the certificate. I “recycled” several of them, and in doing, saved myself a lot of money, time and effort.”

Robin

Caregiver Resources on Oral Care, Dry Mouth, etc.

Near the end of a New York Times article about the new website toothwisdom.org — which aims to make it easier to find affordable dental care — there’s reference to four good resources for caregivers:

#1 – 17-minute video on providing daily oral care to someone with dementia.  Though this video is for CNAs and RNs working in nursing homes, all caregivers can find value here.  I suggest starting the video at 3:20; the topic is oral care evaluation.  Or start about 6:00, when the topic is brushing someone’s teeth.  Tooth brush handles are modified about 8:40 and again at 12:15.

teeth.bluestatedigital.com/pages/for-caregivers

#2 – blog post on causes and treatment of dry mouth (xerostomia):

toothwisdom.org/resources/entry/overcoming-dry-mouth

#3 – brochure on causes, symptoms and treatment of dry mouth from NYU Dentistry

s.bsd.net/teeth/default/page/-/NYU0336_EC_DryMouth_V6.pdf

#4 – complications for oral health in older age:

toothwisdom.org/resources/category/complications-in-older-age

Several of the people posting comments on the New York Times article mentioned this resource:

#5 – discount dental plans available from various businesses, such as:

dentalplans.com
Here’s the info on the New York Times article, though the best parts are the references provided above:

newoldage.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/10/08/a-guide-to-affordable-dental-care/

The New Old Age: Caring and Coping
The New York Times
A Guide to Affordable Dental Care
By Catherine Saint Louis
October 8, 2013, 11:57 am       

Robin

New Way to Pay for Long-Term Care? (sell life insurance policy)

This recent article in the New York Times is titled “A New Way to Pay for Long-Term Care.”  I really think there should be a question mark at the end of that title!  The “new way” is selling your life insurance policy to a company.

A local support group member mentioned that this is what she was doing years ago; her husband had died, she has no children, and she thought this would be a good way to proceed.

I suggest you speak with a certified financial planner or someone qualified before you take action based upon this newspaper article!

Here’s a link to the article:

newoldage.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/10/09/a-new-way-to-pay-for-long-term-care/

The New Old Age: Caring and Coping
A New Way to Pay for Long-Term Care
The New York Times
By Paula Span
October 9, 2013, 1:36 pm

Robin

New Way to Pay for Long-Term Care? (sell life insurance policy)

This recent article in the New York Times is titled “A New Way to Pay for Long-Term Care.”  I really think there should be a question mark at the end of that title!  The “new way” is selling your life insurance policy to a company.

A local support group member mentioned that this is what she was doing years ago; her husband had died, she has no children, and she thought this would be a good way to proceed.  Though I have an MBA from Wharton, I’m afraid I am inept at managing my own finances.  I advise you to speak with a certified financial planner or someone qualified before you take action based upon this newspaper article!

Here’s a link to the full article:

newoldage.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/10/09/a-new-way-to-pay-for-long-term-care/

The New Old Age: Caring and Coping
The New York Times
A New Way to Pay for Long-Term Care
By Paula Span
October 9, 2013, 1:36 pm

Robin

10 Topics About Adult Children Caring for Aging Parents

The article on caring from aging parents is from Hinduism Today magazine.  It’s by a woman who has been caring for her mother for 19 years.

Yesterday, the moderator of the Link2Care email list posted a link to the article.  (Link2Care is an email-based discussion group for California caregivers.)  The moderator describes the author as “very perceptive” in terms of the parent-child relationship.

The author offers practical advice on ten topics, including financial matters, helping one parent (when the other has died), freedom vs. independence, driving, privacy, and acceptance.  Here are short excerpts:

You are still the child: Age seems to make no difference here. Kindness is needed after an adult care-giving child, age 67, has been reminded for the fourth time in 15 minutes to make sure that the front door is locked. Caring parents of any age seem to always take pleasure in making sure that their children are safe and prepared for any eventuality. Perhaps this keeps the mind of an aging parent keen, active and alert. It is wonderful to be so lovingly looked after.

Freedom versus independence: Having an aging parent is like raising a teenager, only in reverse. … Asking the parent questions like “Do you need my help? Can I help you?” might just be answered with, “No.”  It is better to ask, “How are you coming along with that? Be sure and let me know if I can help you.” Changing a few words in any sentence can set a more harmonious and comfortable tone.

Accept your parents as they are: Changing another person is simply impossible (it’s hard enough to change yourself!). If our aging parents annoy, disappoint or frustrate us, the only way that this can ever be turned around is for us, as adult care-giving children, to absorb our reactions within ourselves. Our aging parents are teaching us how to be aging parents. … Perhaps the most important thing to keep in mind is to treat our parents just as we hope to be treated in the future. 

 

Here’s a link to the full article:

HEALING
Living with Aging Parents
Kindness, compromise and tenacity are daily visitors as I look after my 94-year-old mom
Hinduism Today Magazine
by Damara Shanmugan
October/November/December 2013

Robin